Friday, August 23, 2013


Ok so..when did I wanted to become "better" or "higher" than my twin? Maybe when I was little, I felt that I had to be "better" than her because everyone always compared me to her. But now? Seriously? They're assuming that I want to reach as high as her and now I can't and I keep falling. They're inferring that I'm trying to be like her or better than her. They keep comparing me to her and yeah, of course she's doing way better than me. Ok, first of all, she took the driving course in high school and got her driver's license first. So that was a gateway for her to get her job. Of course she's ahead of me because she got a chance to do those things before me. However, I was told to wait and hold on for another time. I admit I wasn't dedicated because I was really scared. I still am working on that. Yes, she did mature and grow up really fast. Leaving me alone to have to think and grow on my own. Yes, I did depend a lot on her and now that she is gone, I have to learn to make my own decisions. I hate the whole idea how they say "Ohh, since she's gone, you fail and can't do anything right. You always depended on her." It's really annoying how they compare me to her. Yeah, of course she did a lot of more things than I did because she got to do it first. I was held back. Now I have to make up for it. I admit I used to blame my problems on her and hit her, but not anymore. I realized that my life is my responsibility. I have no one else to blame but me. But the fact that they keep comparing me to her is just really annoying. This is not about her. This is about my life, not how much better her life is. But they will never understand from my level. They think I'm too stupid. I admit I may not be as "smart" as her, but I have my own way of thinking. I know my family did help me a lot in my life. I appreciate that. But instead of laughing and watching me fall, why can't they just help me? I struggle with so much in my mind. Sometimes it's hard for me to make a decision. If they keep comparing me to her, then I'll always be trying to be "better" than her. But I don't do that anymore. That's why they messed up my mind when I was little, always comparing me to her and as a young kid, I thought I had to be better than her, but no. I just have to learn to be the better me. Why can't they get that? Ok, I know I messed up a lot in my life. And there are some things I can't fix. But I'm only human. I'm trying my best too, even if it doesn't look like I am. So I struggle a little more. So I'm not as "smart" or "in-action." I have a lot of things I'm still trying to figure out. I now realize I have to take one step at a time. Yes, I know it seems like I shut the world out and distance myself, but it's not really like that. I just need time by myself. "Shutting everyone out" keeps me calm and away from all the chaos. That's what I need. Silence.

The thing is that, my family cares about my well-being, but they don't care to get to know who I am or be interested in what I like to do. I think that's the saddest part. They don't know me at all. The funny thing is that my parents are so nice to everyone except me. They look at me like disgust, a scum, a dirty bubblegum under a metal stand.

Ok so, I know I may not get everything right, but I know I will when the right time comes. It's just so f*ckin' annoying how my family ALWAYS talks about my flaws. It's all they ever talk about me. It's like when they have nothing to talk about, they complain about me. I guess it's true that I sometimes don't show my "good" side to them so that's why they can never "see" it. They think I'm not scared. Are you kiddin' me? Everyday I wake up, I am reminded of the failure that I am. I am always scared, and I have to face that. I'm just tired of hearing everything. They will never see my good side, no matter how hard I try. Yes, I know I'm a failure, and I know I have to prove myself to be the better part of me. The thing is that they want me to be the same like everyone else. I CAN'T BE THAT. I just can't. I can only be myself.

Just saying, comparing me to someone else is not gonna make anything better. It's like comparing a poor person to a mega rich person and ridiculing the poor person that they can't make enough money to survive. And you say "Wow, look at all the 'success' this person has accomplished in their life. Why don't you do the same?" That's just annoying. Everyone has different ways of surviving and coping with their situations. Some may get it faster. Some may have to take their time to get there. Not everyone has the same happiness, gosh.

Sometimes I just wanna run away, shut myself from the world, and just live in my own world. A place where I can escape to from all this mess. But I know I have to do what I feel is right. No matter what others tell me. I'm following my intuition.


  1. Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I think you should just be yourself and make peace with yourself. If others want to judge you, that is their loss and their problem. You have your own unique qualities and what makes you great. It doesn't matter if your family doesn't see it, as long as you do. I have made a ton of mistakes too and my mother keeps rubbing it in my face. It hurts like nothing else on earth when she says mean things, but I just can't let her words pull me down any more. You sound like such a great person. I hope that you can find a way to let yourself believe that too. Don't let other peoples mean words change how you see yourself. You are amazing. Good-luck.

    1. Hi!
      I'm so sorry for the late reply! Thank you so much for reading my post and giving such an encouraging and positive message! You are so sweet! It really means a lot. I wanna ask, what was the post that I commented on your page? I tried looking for it, but I couldn't find it. It was something about your family judging you.