Friday, August 23, 2013


Ok so..when did I wanted to become "better" or "higher" than my twin? Maybe when I was little, I felt that I had to be "better" than her because everyone always compared me to her. But now? Seriously? They're assuming that I want to reach as high as her and now I can't and I keep falling. They're inferring that I'm trying to be like her or better than her. They keep comparing me to her and yeah, of course she's doing way better than me. Ok, first of all, she took the driving course in high school and got her driver's license first. So that was a gateway for her to get her job. Of course she's ahead of me because she got a chance to do those things before me. However, I was told to wait and hold on for another time. I admit I wasn't dedicated because I was really scared. I still am working on that. Yes, she did mature and grow up really fast. Leaving me alone to have to think and grow on my own. Yes, I did depend a lot on her and now that she is gone, I have to learn to make my own decisions. I hate the whole idea how they say "Ohh, since she's gone, you fail and can't do anything right. You always depended on her." It's really annoying how they compare me to her. Yeah, of course she did a lot of more things than I did because she got to do it first. I was held back. Now I have to make up for it. I admit I used to blame my problems on her and hit her, but not anymore. I realized that my life is my responsibility. I have no one else to blame but me. But the fact that they keep comparing me to her is just really annoying. This is not about her. This is about my life, not how much better her life is. But they will never understand from my level. They think I'm too stupid. I admit I may not be as "smart" as her, but I have my own way of thinking. I know my family did help me a lot in my life. I appreciate that. But instead of laughing and watching me fall, why can't they just help me? I struggle with so much in my mind. Sometimes it's hard for me to make a decision. If they keep comparing me to her, then I'll always be trying to be "better" than her. But I don't do that anymore. That's why they messed up my mind when I was little, always comparing me to her and as a young kid, I thought I had to be better than her, but no. I just have to learn to be the better me. Why can't they get that? Ok, I know I messed up a lot in my life. And there are some things I can't fix. But I'm only human. I'm trying my best too, even if it doesn't look like I am. So I struggle a little more. So I'm not as "smart" or "in-action." I have a lot of things I'm still trying to figure out. I now realize I have to take one step at a time. Yes, I know it seems like I shut the world out and distance myself, but it's not really like that. I just need time by myself. "Shutting everyone out" keeps me calm and away from all the chaos. That's what I need. Silence.

The thing is that, my family cares about my well-being, but they don't care to get to know who I am or be interested in what I like to do. I think that's the saddest part. They don't know me at all. The funny thing is that my parents are so nice to everyone except me. They look at me like disgust, a scum, a dirty bubblegum under a metal stand.

Ok so, I know I may not get everything right, but I know I will when the right time comes. It's just so f*ckin' annoying how my family ALWAYS talks about my flaws. It's all they ever talk about me. It's like when they have nothing to talk about, they complain about me. I guess it's true that I sometimes don't show my "good" side to them so that's why they can never "see" it. They think I'm not scared. Are you kiddin' me? Everyday I wake up, I am reminded of the failure that I am. I am always scared, and I have to face that. I'm just tired of hearing everything. They will never see my good side, no matter how hard I try. Yes, I know I'm a failure, and I know I have to prove myself to be the better part of me. The thing is that they want me to be the same like everyone else. I CAN'T BE THAT. I just can't. I can only be myself.

Just saying, comparing me to someone else is not gonna make anything better. It's like comparing a poor person to a mega rich person and ridiculing the poor person that they can't make enough money to survive. And you say "Wow, look at all the 'success' this person has accomplished in their life. Why don't you do the same?" That's just annoying. Everyone has different ways of surviving and coping with their situations. Some may get it faster. Some may have to take their time to get there. Not everyone has the same happiness, gosh.

Sometimes I just wanna run away, shut myself from the world, and just live in my own world. A place where I can escape to from all this mess. But I know I have to do what I feel is right. No matter what others tell me. I'm following my intuition.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


I always wonder if I was born in the wrong family. I never belonged. I never fitted in. Sometimes I feel like I wanna shut the world out and just live in my own world. I'm tired of all the talking, all the yelling. It just makes me go crazy. Living in a house where no one understands me and I don't myself either. Sometimes I wish I can escape from all my problems and live the life I want, a better life. But I know I can't run away. I have to face my problems. I'm too scared to. Everyday I wake up, I'm being reminded of my mistakes and failures. My flaws stick on my skin. And while I am constantly being reminded by others, I feel ashamed, guilty, and unworthy. Too much to move on. I wanna push myself so bad, and I wish it was easy, but it's not. It's never going to be easy. And that's the hard part. I used to be haunted by my past. Now I'm haunted by my future. I keep running away from my fears. I'm holding myself back. I'm tired of running.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

What it's like to be "the other twin"

In my childhood life, I've always been looked at as the "second twin." Someone who was attached to someone else and not looked at as an individual with her own mind. Because I was younger than my twin and youngest in my family, I was seen as under everyone so I had to listen to everyone and not share what I wanted to say. I was naturally quiet and reserved my whole life. The way I was treated and my natural personality lead me to pretty much keep everything to myself and talk when necessary or not at all. This made people think that I was rude, selfish, aloof, and depressed (I admit I was for a time--I was going through some hard things. What do you expect?). I never really understood a lot of things that I was going through and why they happened the way they did. Was it to teach me a lesson? Did I just happen to have a cursed life? Through all the mishaps and hard struggles I experienced, I knew deep inside someday I was gonna find out who I truly I am. It was just gonna take some time to be revealed to me. I have gone through a lot and a long way. I may have some regrets but it only means I am more aware than I was before.

Back to the twins thing, I was usually always in the background, never really stepping out into the spotlight. I let people do what they do and I just quietly take action in the background. I don't like having attention on me so I purposely turn the conversation to the other person who is talking to me. It's not that I don't like talking about myself. I do, I just am more interested in what other people like. I will talk about myself when I am comfortable around you. So yes, in a way, I may not be as “social,” “outgoing,” or “fun,” but I will care for you and listen to you when you are crying.

People always looked at my sister as the more "pretty," "smart," and "talkative" twin. No one says this but I clearly see it through, and all those things are true. She is the more "outgoing" twin. That's why a lot of people talk to her more and know her more than me. I pretty much keep a low profile and stay in the background. I like to see people shine and help them shine. But that's good for her. She is getting more out there. As for me, I have my own path to follow.

In a way, it may sound a bit weird or contradicting, like 50/50. I'm glad that people know her more. It's a catalyst for me having no spotlight or attention. Because I don't crave for that kind of stuff. Yes, I do feel unnoticed, unheard, and ignored A LOT. It does hurt but I realize that she deserves the attention because she has more of a "likeable" personality. I know that people who would try to get to know me, they wouldn't understand. Heck, even my own family doesn't. I just come to realize that not everyone needs to know everything about my life, and it's not an obligation for me to spill my life story to them. I like to keep my life private and it will stay that way. I don't mind being alone and content with myself. That's when I feel most free, and I love it.

So I guess, in a way, I don't mind being "the other twin." It makes people bother me less, since they don't know me or see me. I can go along my day without people constantly yapping at me. No, I don't hate people. They just annoy me. I just need space to breathe.

On the outside, I may look the same to you, but inside of myself, I know I have changed and become my true self.