On My Own

So this week and half of last week has been pretty crazy. *sighs* I fortunately got called back to work by my boss last Wednesday telling me that I will be starting work the next day. So I was actually glad to be back to work because I was getting tired of staying home and babysitting for 3 months. It was fun while it lasted and I did enjoy the vacation but I think I needed to get my body moving again because I was seriously feeling like a blob. It pretty much took me a week and a half to really get my body back into somewhat of a shape. I was feeling like crap gaining more and more weight as the quarantine kept extending. I am blessed and lucky to be back to work because a lot of other people got laid off or quit their job because of personal reasons. I know working at Sal Army may not be as great as others expect but right now, I am feeling grateful for where I'm at because having a job to keep yourself secured is better than having nothing. So this isn't about what others think about me and I honestly don't care because my life isn't about them. It's about me and where I stand.

Another great thing happened to me. So for the first two days I was back to work last week, I did a lot of helping with doing overs and unders, putting clothes away, taking jewelry calls, putting accessories in carts, emptying gaylords by taking raw cred out onto the sorting table, processing and pushing bric, and being a door person to count the customers. I was told by Allison that the next following week (which is this week) that I will be returning to bric with Linda. I was excited because I told her that Linda is my friend and we're a good team. And then Monday came and I heard the worst news ever from my boss: that I will be working with Donna in Bric. My face instantly fell flat and I was like "Is this forever or just temporary?" She replied "It most likely will be forever." I had to tell her that I had some run-ins with her before in the past and I actually really don't like working with her. She asked if those run-ins were documented on paper and I said no, they weren't because it was privately talked about with my past managers. She just told me to stick up for myself and don't let her tell me what to do. I just said okay and I'll try. But I knew deep within myself what the true answer was: I CANNOT work with her. She is impossible. She hates me and will do anything to put me down even if I try my best to be nice to her or cater to her, she will not stop bullying and being mean to me. I was obviously very upset about this bad news. Also knowing that I experienced with these kind of cruel personalities before in the past with two other previous line supervisors, I was afraid that I was gonna sink even lower than before. I never want to be there ever again. I tried talking to Linda about it and I know she feels bad for me and she knows how Donna is like too but her answer was pretty much the same like Allison: "I don't care. You need to stick up for yourself. Don't let her talk to you like that." *sighs* This is VERY frustrating because literally NOBODY understands the position I am in and all of my pain I am feeling. Almost everyone generally knows how Donna is like and they may have had a few minor run-ins with her before but to be real honest, they have NEVER experienced the kind of bullying that I been through with Donna. The fact is, she truly is a mean and bitter person on the inside. But on the outside, she will pretend to be someone really nice so people will believe her and think that she actually is genuinely nice.

The thing about me is that I am a very kind and forgiving person. And I've been through a lot of pain before. And for some reason people think that I look weak so they will bully me because they think I'm a pushover. I admit in the past I did let people get away with it because I knew deep inside that nobody will believe me if I tell them that someone is being mean to me because they're being so nice to everyone else. So I did the worst thing ever. I bottled it all up and endured the pain. It did take a huge toll on me. I had anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns in the past while nobody noticed. But right now, I realized that even though some of my friends or boss are well-meaning and they do care at a certain extent, I had to look out for myself. Because no one truly really cared for me. Just like in the past when I was being bullied and no one ever said anything. They saw it but they ignored it and some even joined in on it so they can be safe from harm but that meant that I was the one who was getting all the harm. So there I go on Monday and Tuesday this week being very, very upset and emotional about being forced to put up with everything thrice or quadruple again. All bringing up to the final moment.

On Tuesday of this week, I was the last before the cashier and boss to go home. It was like 6:11 pm and I took my bag and walked out the door. Before I did, I said bye to Rachel and Allison but I also didn't turn around and wave which is what I usually always do. But this time, I did not have the energy to do so. And then, on Wednesday morning, Allison did a wellness checkup on me and she scanned my forehead. She said "Hi Judith. How are you doing?" I weakly said "Yes, I'm good." with a fake smile. She asked "How are you holding up? Is everything okay?" That automatically told me that she was aware of last night before I left. My very sad face. I replied "Yes." She said "You look sad. Are you sad?" I nodded yes almost in tears. She quietly whispered "Is it Donnna?" I nodded yes and asked "Can I get move to the floor?" She replied "Yeah, I will try to figure something out for you. They may need some help. You will be working in bric today but I will get back to you around 2 pm and if I'm not, come and get me." I smiled and said "Thank you so much," and walked away. I was very relieved that she had noticed my sad face and actually worried about me and asked how I was doing. She has no idea that I was gonna talk to her in private but she started the conversation before me.

So on Wednesday, I was told that I will be pricing and pushing in bric and Stan will be qualifying. Donna had to help process the line. So I was already feeling relieved and lightweight that I will be mostly working by myself without having any nuisance around. I tagged the whole day and put out 500 bric pieces and pushed carts for the last two hours or so. I felt so much better not having somebody breathing on my shoulder. When I was tagging in bric, Allison came to me and told me that she talked to Tera (the district supervisor) and they came up with the decision to put me in Shoes and Accessories. Allison said that she felt bad that she didn't come up with the thought before because Sabrina was the previous S&A person but she said that she really thinks I would flourish there. I said yes and was very excited to be leaving bric and try something new. So I was already feeling better not having a nuisance by me in bric this day but hearing the good news that I would be in a different department all by myself is even better! Allison also said that she thinks it would be great for me because I can colorize and organize my department however I like without anyone telling me what to do. So I was walking around super happy the whole day. I also kept this to myself because I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't even wanna tell Linda and Kristen because I felt like I deserved to enjoy this good news by myself first and eventually everyone will find out the next day.

So comes Thursday and Allison announced the news about some new positions and giving directives to people. Tasha became the new line supervisor and I became the new shoe girl. When Allison announced about me, Kristen looked at me surprised but happy and Donna's head instantly shot up and looked shocked at me. She always gives me dirty looks but this look she had on her face was shock, like as if I was never gonna speak up for myself and continue to put up with her shit. But I did not look at her at all. I saw Kristen's reaction but stayed focused on Allison talking. In my head I was thinking that's right, bitch, keep staring. I'm leavin' yo ass cuz you are always mean to me. Bye bitch. Have fun being in bric alone. You can't hurt me anymore. Hahaha it's only safe to say it in my head. So everyone got to their departments and Allison told me to look at the shoes and prices and she'll eventually get back to me to train me on pricing. So I started with the kid's shoes first. I looked at it and thought to myself I need to organize this but how? It took me a while to figure out how to fix the color order and shoe type since I wanted each row to have their own gender category. I kept getting brain haywire because I kept flip-flopping back and forth and couldn't decide on what I wanted. Finally, I made the last row for the baby girls, the second last row for the baby boys, the third row for the kid girls, the fourth row for the kid boys, the fifth row for the kid girls, and finally the very top row for the kid boys. I finally nailed it and made it work.

Next I walked over to the 4-way sliding table near the break room. It had random women's shoes on it. I tried my best to organize it. I put the sparkly pretty high heels on the top row and put flip flops and flats on the edges of the top row. I honestly didn't get that far into fixing it because Kristen told me that I had to go to the doc to meet Allison. So I walked away knowing it was still kind of a mess and that I will be learning pricing with Allison. I walked to the doc and she had two full carts of women's shoes. She told me about putting the tag sticker on the right shoe and always face the shoes towards you when placing them on the shelf. And then she told me to mark the price under the left shoe that doesn't have the tag. She said she will continue pricing and for me to push the women's shoe cart. So there I go walking to the women's shoe wall and being completely baffled that the shoes were not how I wanted them organized. It took me a while to kind of fix it but I didn't wanna take too long so I hurry up and put them away. I walked back to the doc to return the cart and to tell Allison that I was gonna take my first break. It was already 1 pm. So I got done with my break and asked Allison what she wanted me to do but she looked busy and didn't know what to say since she didn't get a chance to price the other shoes in the cart. So I told her that I can organize the shoes because I don't really like the way how it looks and she said that it was fine and for me to take it easy. So I happily walked to the women's shoe wall. I later found out that the reason why Allison was gone so long was because she had to go to a manger meeting.

So I worked on organizing the women's shoes which really took me the longest. Pretty much the whole day. I was having even more brain haywire trying to figure out how I wanted to organize the shoes by rows. I kept playing around with it and see how it looks and continued to be unsatisfied. The hard thing is, I wasn't just colorizing it, I was also organizing it by shoe type. So I put all the flip flops on the bottom along with the pattern flats. On the second row I put the solid flats. On the third row I put the athletic shoes along with the pattern heels. On the fourth row I put the solid high heels. On the fifth row I put the remaining leftover solid and pattern high heels along with the ankle booties. On the very top row I put the taller boots up there. I was very, very proud of myself for my hard work and how it turned out. It looked so good and cleanly organized. I know the previous S&A people just colorized the shoes without putting much thought into the shoe types but personally for me, not just because of my OCD, but I wanted shoppers to have an easy intuitive navigation when looking for shoes. Most likely when shoppers come in, they want to look for the type of shoe and then they'll look for the color. Having the shoe rack full of randomized shoes but in color order is quite confusing and messy to look at. You're more prone to have customers mess it up and get frustrated. So I created an idea to have the shoes not only in color order but also in shoe type order. Which will make it easier for shoppers to look for the type of shoes they want.

Once I finally got done with the women's shoe wall, I went to the round table which is full of sloppy women's shoes. I had to get two carts to take all the shoes out and figure out how I wanted them to be organized. There was a basket and bin full of flip flops which I took out and started putting them in color order on the top of the round table. And then I also put some sandals/sandal heels there to fit with the summer theme. Having the basket and bin full of flip flops made the table setting look unappealing. Customers will most likely look through them and mess them up. There was also purses on the table but it was all over the place with no form of organization. So I decided to line them up in a circle around the mannequin with each purse having their own shoes placed beside them with matching colors. I was once again very proud of myself for finding a creative way out of that mess. There were shelf holes in the round table. I decided to mostly try placing and colorizing high heels on the bottom row and flats on the top row.

Next I moved on to the men's shoes which was the easiest. They barely had shoes so I was able to organize them easily by color and shoe type. I put the flip flops, slippers, and pattern loafers on the bottom row. Second row I put solid loafers. Third row I put dress shoes. Fourth row I put athletic shoes. Fifth row I continued with the dress shoes. The very top row I put boots. The reason I put the athletic shoes in the middle row was because it was colorful and it stood out and most guys do like buying workout shoes anyway. Somewhere in the middle of the day I didn't want to make it look like I was lollygagging around so I went back to my station to tag a cart of shoes Allison left in the doc. And then I went back to organizing shoes.

It was 5:30 pm and I told Allison that I tagged some shoes and she said that I can start tagging and pricing them but to not mark the price on the bottom of the shoes. So I did. I went back to my station to tag and price and look at the price guide printouts. I took my best guess since I didn't have a name brand sheet. I ended up pricing 25 in 30 minutes! And then it was time for me to go home.

I am very excited about working in this new department. I am happy to be having the freedom to do what I want and do things my way without anyone complaining. I learn from this experience that I needed to look out for myself. It's great to have friends at work but that is a bonus. The real focus is to focus on work and work hard and do your best. I love my friends but the truth is that they weren't gonna stand up or speak for me. I needed to do it for myself. No one knows exactly how I'm feeling and going through. Only I know and it is very real and I needed to do something about it. I am glad that I spoke to Allison and she noticed my sadness and offered me a great position. She has no idea that she actually saved me because I couldn't be stuck in that mental-health-risk suffocation any longer. It only took two days but truly I could not stand it for a second! And no one understands! So I am very glad and proud of myself for speaking up and acting early because if I stayed a full week being miserable putting up with Donna, I might not have been given this S&A position. For all I know, it might have been given to a new hire and I would still find myself not breathing in bric! So I am very lucky too because Allison is leaving next Tuesday. She probably wouldn't be here anymore for me to talk to her about this situation.

I also learned that not only do I look out for myself but that I can't really trust anyone anymore. I know in the past I had a few friends and talked to them or vented to them but I have learned that now I am on my own in my department, I have to take care of my mental, physical, and emotional health because no one else is going to. Sure, they may be nice and care in some ways but they will never truly be my voice. I have to be my own voice and use it. I have decided to stay in my own lane and talk minimally to my co-workers. It is better that way because I have always been a lonewolf anyway. I was never a groupie so I never fitted in anyway. I am here for myself and I am here to work. And for the first time in a very long time, I finally felt powerful and in control. It makes me reflect on my life that I wish I can feel like this in every part of my life that I am struggling in but I am grateful for my lesson and experience and hope that I can work through any problem in my life if I just listen to my heart.

Selfish

I hate this word because that's the first word EVERYONE thinks of me when they look at me or talk about me. *sighs* Look, I already KNOW that I can be selfish and stubborn sometimes but is that ALL you can say about me?? I'm not like that all the time! Like yes, I struggle with communication and considering other people's feelings sometimes but you guys don't even care about the times when I truly do care! Yah, I know what you're thinking. "you're always victimizing yourself." I already have admitted to A LOT of things that I don't like about myself and that needs improving on but expecting me to do a 180 is just not fair. Everyone else gets to make mistakes and get looked passed them while I never really got a chance to even reason myself or be a fkn human being for god's sake.

I never denied all the stuff I did in the past. I know I was an immature piece of shxt back then but I have grown in ways that no one notices. But everyone just wants to focus on only all the bad parts about me.