I really don't care

It's funny when you don't go on a site for a long while, and then people start asking "Where are you? Why did you delete your account?" Ohh, so now you care about me? You didn't when I was on. In this case, I'm talking about Facebook. I deactivated it sometime shortly after my birthday a month ago. I just got really sick of it and didn't find any use for it. I mean I had it for certain reasons, but I just don't want to go on anymore--for now. It's full of egoistic people and who's better than who, supposely "funny" videos, blahblahblah. Just the same boring stuff. My sibling's all like "WHY DID YOU DEACTIVIATE IT?!" Me: "Um..because I don't feel like going on anymore." Them: "Oh..well, it doesn't really matter. You don't really go on much anyway." I'm thinking EXACTLY. So..why do you care? Hm?? Like I said, it's so FUNNY people only care when you're gone, but when you're there, they don't notice you. They don't care so I don't care either. I just don't want any drama. My siblings try to convince me to have an instagram and snapchat. I'm like "NOPE!" They're like "You're so anti-social. You like to block yourself from any social network." I'm like I don't care. I don't want to have it. I don't find any use for it. I'm NEVER going  to have instagram, snapchat, google+, or twitter. I know people say "never say never" but I actually really do mean never.  I already have facebook so of course I can't say never to that, BUT I deactivated it, and I would delete it right off the bat, but I'm not doing so for certain reasons. So deactivating from it keeps me sane.

*Reminder to Self

No matter what people say, no matter what they think, they can say, think, do, and assume whatever they want about me but what matters the most is that at the end of the day is what I think of myself. I know who I truly am, and I'm not gonna let anyone take that away from me. They don't know the real me. They only see the surface. Only I know the real me.

I Know My Body Better Than Anybody

I'm so sick of people telling me what to eat, dress, say, think, do, etc. If I am a vegetarian, I will choose what I want to eat. I'm not gonna force food down my throat just to make you feel "comfortable." I KNOW how it's like to be a meat lover because I once was. I'm not being a vegetarian because I want to lose weight or because I am insecure of my body. Can you guys seriously shut the fuck up? I'm so tired of this. It's my body and I know what food to put in it. I know how my body feels. I know that if I overeat, I end up bloating and it's hard for my body to go back to its normal size. I know you guys are worried that I might not be eating enough nutrients, but trust me, I know what I am doing. I am not doing this just because I see other people doing this. I am doing this for my own health and my personal choice. I love my body and that's why I have chosen to give it the food that it deserves in order to feel the best and alive it can. I respect other people's choices and don't try to shove my vegetarianism down their throats. Just like how it's people's choice that they choose to eat meat in part of their eating habits/diet. I don't have a vegetarian agenda to try and convert everyone else to stop eating meat. It's up to people to however they wish to eat. If they feel that eating meat fits best in their diet or meals, then so be it. I am doing what I can to stay at my healthiest and so are they. There's not "one" way to be healthy because everyone has a different body.

About dressing up, I could really care less about fashion and style. All those are just lame marketing and advertising to distract people and pressure them into thinking that girls have to be all "pretty" to be acceptable. Now, I'm not saying that people shouldn't dress up for work or it's wrong to have your own sense of style, that's all good, but seriously, stop shoving your "How to Look and Dress Attractive" or "Wear Make-Up to Look More Beautiful" whatevers into my face. I get it. Just shut the fuck up. I don't care about fashion blahblahblahs. If I don't want to wear a dress, I don't have to. I'm not here to pretty your world up and an object for you pleasure and admire over. I like being simple and dressing simple, and that is good enough for me. Don't get me wrong, I like to take care of myself, dress up, and wear make-up sometimes too. But I just do it A LOT less than others because like again,  I really don't care as much as others do. It's not something I obsess over just to feel "fit in" or whatever. I dress whatever I feel like and so be it. Just because I'm not all "fancy" with my appearance, it doesn't mean that I don't care about myself, I'm insecure, or whatever bullshit you think. I just don't invest in that kind of materialistic lifestyle. It seems like society have made a rule for girls to meet certain beauty standards or they're seen as careless, insecure, and ugly. If a girl doesn't shave her armpits, leg hair, any hair on her body other than her actual head hair, then they are seen as a gross gorilla. Seriously? Shut the fuck up. We're humans. Humans are meant to have hair on their body. Same goes as eyebrows and a lite mustache. Girls aren't supposed to be hairless and smooth skin 24/7 for you so you can shove that up your--yeah. The media has really fucked up your head if you really think that.

Anyway, sorry for the swearing. I guess this is the one of the most fueling rant blog I've written yet. Just had to get this off.

So remember, I know myself better than anyone else, just like how you know yourself better than others know you. I have a mind, heart, soul, and body of my own. Let me be me. I don't try to change you guys. I may not necessarily agree with what you guys think, say, and do, but I respect your choice. It's your life and choice. My body, my choice. As long as I'm not doing any harm to my body--ooh, like you know, smoking, doing drugs, hooka, etc. Now that I'm older, I am going to lay off of the alcohol. I'm not a drinker but I'm going to do my best to stay highly vibrational.

The Odd One Out

Ok so, I KNOW that compared to me and my siblings, I'm not the brightest and the smartest. Or any good "ests". Well, for one, all my siblings are older than me and know so much more. They're more mature and responsible. They have more experience. Pretty much, they're every "good-darn-thing-in-the-book" that I'm not. Me, on thee other hand, I don't even know what I am. I'm the odd one out. The "abnormal" one who no one seems really get or understand. I'm difficult to deal with and stubborn, I admit. I will never, ever be like my siblings. No where as great as they are. They're great role models. What more can you ask for. They're perfect. How the hell did I ever get born into such a perfect extroverted family? Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I wasn't born into the family I have now. Not in a suicidal way but in a curious way. What if I wasn't a twin? What if my twin was twinless? Pft, she's the amazing successful twin and I'm the failure twin. No where near or close to her. *sighs* Sometimes I think to myself. My family would be so much better without me. I mean, they're so high up and I'm deep low in the ground of no where. If that makes any sense. Me being an introvert in an extroverted family really makes me the odd one out.

Seriously?

Ok so..when did I wanted to become "better" or "higher" than my twin? Maybe when I was little, I felt that I had to be "better" than her because everyone always compared me to her. But now? Seriously? They're assuming that I want to reach as high as her and now I can't and I keep falling. They're inferring that I'm trying to be like her or better than her. They keep comparing me to her and yeah, of course she's doing way better than me. Ok, first of all, she took the driving course in high school and got her driver's license first. So that was a gateway for her to get her job. Of course she's ahead of me because she got a chance to do those things before me. However, I was told to wait and hold on for another time. I admit I wasn't dedicated because I was really scared. I still am working on that. Yes, she did mature and grow up really fast. Leaving me alone to have to think and grow on my own. Yes, I did depend a lot on her and now that she is gone, I have to learn to make my own decisions. I hate the whole idea how they say "Ohh, since she's gone, you fail and can't do anything right. You always depended on her." It's really annoying how they compare me to her. Yeah, of course she did a lot of more things than I did because she got to do it first. I was held back. Now I have to make up for it. I admit I used to blame my problems on her and hit her, but not anymore. I realized that my life is my responsibility. I have no one else to blame but me. But the fact that they keep comparing me to her is just really annoying. This is not about her. This is about my life, not how much better her life is. But they will never understand from my level. They think I'm too stupid. I admit I may not be as "smart" as her, but I have my own way of thinking. I know my family did help me a lot in my life. I appreciate that. But instead of laughing and watching me fall, why can't they just help me? I struggle with so much in my mind. Sometimes it's hard for me to make a decision. If they keep comparing me to her, then I'll always be trying to be "better" than her. But I don't do that anymore. That's why they messed up my mind when I was little, always comparing me to her and as a young kid, I thought I had to be better than her, but no. I just have to learn to be the better me. Why can't they get that? Ok, I know I messed up a lot in my life. And there are some things I can't fix. But I'm only human. I'm trying my best too, even if it doesn't look like I am. So I struggle a little more. So I'm not as "smart" or "in-action." I have a lot of things I'm still trying to figure out. I now realize I have to take one step at a time. Yes, I know it seems like I shut the world out and distance myself, but it's not really like that. I just need time by myself. "Shutting everyone out" keeps me calm and away from all the chaos. That's what I need. Silence.

The thing is that, my family cares about my well-being, but they don't care to get to know who I am or be interested in what I like to do. I think that's the saddest part. They don't know me at all. The funny thing is that my parents are so nice to everyone except me. They look at me like disgust, a scum, a dirty bubblegum under a metal stand.

Ok so, I know I may not get everything right, but I know I will when the right time comes. It's just so f*ckin' annoying how my family ALWAYS talks about my flaws. It's all they ever talk about me. It's like when they have nothing to talk about, they complain about me. I guess it's true that I sometimes don't show my "good" side to them so that's why they can never "see" it. They think I'm not scared. Are you kiddin' me? Everyday I wake up, I am reminded of the failure that I am. I am always scared, and I have to face that. I'm just tired of hearing everything. They will never see my good side, no matter how hard I try. Yes, I know I'm a failure, and I know I have to prove myself to be the better part of me. The thing is that they want me to be the same like everyone else. I CAN'T BE THAT. I just can't. I can only be myself.

Just saying, comparing me to someone else is not gonna make anything better. It's like comparing a poor person to a mega rich person and ridiculing the poor person that they can't make enough money to survive. And you say "Wow, look at all the 'success' this person has accomplished in their life. Why don't you do the same?" That's just annoying. Everyone has different ways of surviving and coping with their situations. Some may get it faster. Some may have to take their time to get there. Not everyone has the same happiness, gosh.

Sometimes I just wanna run away, shut myself from the world, and just live in my own world. A place where I can escape to from all this mess. But I know I have to do what I feel is right. No matter what others tell me. I'm following my intuition.

Unfitted

I always wonder if I was born in the wrong family. I never belonged. I never fitted in. Sometimes I feel like I wanna shut the world out and just live in my own world. I'm tired of all the talking, all the yelling. It just makes me go crazy. Living in a house where no one understands me and I don't myself either. Sometimes I wish I can escape from all my problems and live the life I want, a better life. But I know I can't run away. I have to face my problems. I'm too scared to. Everyday I wake up, I'm being reminded of my mistakes and failures. My flaws stick on my skin. And while I am constantly being reminded by others, I feel ashamed, guilty, and unworthy. Too much to move on. I wanna push myself so bad, and I wish it was easy, but it's not. It's never going to be easy. And that's the hard part. I used to be haunted by my past. Now I'm haunted by my future. I keep running away from my fears. I'm holding myself back. I'm tired of running.

What it's like to be "the other twin"

In my childhood life, I've always been looked at as the "second twin." Someone who was attached to someone else and not looked at as an individual with her own mind. Because I was younger than my twin and youngest in my family, I was seen as under everyone so I had to listen to everyone and not share what I wanted to say. I was naturally quiet and reserved my whole life. The way I was treated and my natural personality lead me to pretty much keep everything to myself and talk when necessary or not at all. This made people think that I was rude, selfish, aloof, and depressed (I admit I was for a time--I was going through some hard things. What do you expect?). I never really understood a lot of things that I was going through and why they happened the way they did. Was it to teach me a lesson? Did I just happen to have a cursed life? Through all the mishaps and hard struggles I experienced, I knew deep inside someday I was gonna find out who I truly I am. It was just gonna take some time to be revealed to me. I have gone through a lot and a long way. I may have some regrets but it only means I am more aware than I was before.

Back to the twins thing, I was usually always in the background, never really stepping out into the spotlight. I let people do what they do and I just quietly take action in the background. I don't like having attention on me so I purposely turn the conversation to the other person who is talking to me. It's not that I don't like talking about myself. I do, I just am more interested in what other people like. I will talk about myself when I am comfortable around you. So yes, in a way, I may not be as “social,” “outgoing,” or “fun,” but I will care for you and listen to you when you are crying.

People always looked at my sister as the more "pretty," "smart," and "talkative" twin. No one says this but I clearly see it through, and all those things are true. She is the more "outgoing" twin. That's why a lot of people talk to her more and know her more than me. I pretty much keep a low profile and stay in the background. I like to see people shine and help them shine. But that's good for her. She is getting more out there. As for me, I have my own path to follow.

In a way, it may sound a bit weird or contradicting, like 50/50. I'm glad that people know her more. It's a catalyst for me having no spotlight or attention. Because I don't crave for that kind of stuff. Yes, I do feel unnoticed, unheard, and ignored A LOT. It does hurt but I realize that she deserves the attention because she has more of a "likeable" personality. I know that people who would try to get to know me, they wouldn't understand. Heck, even my own family doesn't. I just come to realize that not everyone needs to know everything about my life, and it's not an obligation for me to spill my life story to them. I like to keep my life private and it will stay that way. I don't mind being alone and content with myself. That's when I feel most free, and I love it.

So I guess, in a way, I don't mind being "the other twin." It makes people bother me less, since they don't know me or see me. I can go along my day without people constantly yapping at me. No, I don't hate people. They just annoy me. I just need space to breathe.

On the outside, I may look the same to you, but inside of myself, I know I have changed and become my true self.