To The Boy I Can't Fall In Love With

You know who you are. I know I can't have you. And if seeing you in my dreams is all that I have of you, I am okay with that. I don't know if this is called love but I admire and adore the person you are. I remember the first time we made eye contact with each other and ever since then, it never stopped. It still feels like the first time. I can't tell you how I really feel but here is what I have to say. I like your eyes. I like your smile. I like your laugh. I like the way how you carry yourself. I like the way you walk smoothly into a room. I like how much of a gentleman you are, willing to help anyone. Hearing you laugh makes my heart melt because I don't hear it often. Hearing your voice makes my eyes sparkle. I know I'm not suppose to say this but I like (love) the way you look at me when I pretend to not notice. I know I'm not suppose to [like] it, but I do. I know I'm not suppose to hope because I know it will only hurt me in the end, but I can't help admiring you from a distance. I know I am a nobody compared to you. Who I am to even exist in your presence?

I like it when you smile and when you look at me. I think it's so sweet how kindly you treat me. I may look nonchalant on the outside, but my insides are full of awe. I know we aren't meant to be and that you have someone to love and them to love you back. I don't know how to describe this strange feeling because it feels different from love. But I am happy that you have found your someone to be happy with. I'm not hurt. I know I am not ready. I try my best to not cross lines and respect your space. I never want to ruin a love story. Everyone deserves someone they are meant to be with in thee end. I'm awed when you talk about her. I just think it's so sweet, cute, and lovely. I think you look like prince charming and you found your princess.

I have no idea why you keep looking at me. I hope you don't notice my (sort of) unintentional pretend act. I can read body language easily. I am good at pretending to not notice and make it look real. I know your stares are burning holes through me. I have to act like I don't notice but my insides are screaming. Sometimes my heart skips a beat or I quickly turn away, which makes it more obvious than I wanted it to. I know that you will never know how I feel or hear the words that will never climb up. But I just wanted to let you know that I think you're the perfect guy. I want to look into your eyes and fall deep into them. I want you to hold me like a fairy tale. I want you to touch my face and caress my cheeks. I want you to catch me if I faint or hold me like bridal style. BUT...this is all a dream and that's all it will ever be. That's all you'll ever be to me. Just a dream, literally. It's not reality and that's what I have to face.

This is why I can't stare at your face or eyes too long. Or rather, I avoid your eyes, afraid I won't stop falling into them. The longer I stare, the more I want to keep my eyes there. This is why I quickly turn away or look to the side when I talk to you. Because I can barely stare into your eyes, I can't quite clearly see the color of your eyes but I believe they are green. I first mistaken them to be blue but I tried to focus a little bit more than 1 second and I think they are green. For all I know, you might have hazel eyes. But once again, I'm trying my best to not look into them.

No, I don't want to fall in love. Once again, I don't know what to call this thing. I guess the closest thing you can call it is a crush, but it's different. We know we can't be together but we can't stop staring at each other. It's not really a crush and it's not really love. It's not friendship either. It's just a intense attraction. An odd but alluring one. I guess that's all it'll ever be. It'll remain a mystery as long as it lasts. In thee end, it won't be my eyes you'll be staring into. I do have to say though, that the way you stare at me is not one bit creepy. Nonetheless, it's the curious and sweet kind, and I honestly think it's so cute. I know the difference between a creepy stare and a curious stare and yours is definitely just so sweet. It makes me giddy inside. And I can't help but smile to myself when you're not there (when you leave/walk away). I know I keep repeating myself, but I can't help it. I love the way you stare at me and talk to me. You're just so kind and sweet. I'm all in awe. But I know the truth. I have to turn my face and walk away because it's all just a dream. But I do hope that life is treating you well and you get everything you ever hoped for. You definitely deserve the best. To the boy I can't fall in love with, you are one in a million. Please stay true to who you are. 



[considering the fact that I went from "Teardrops On My Guitar" to "Stay Beautiful" says a lot of my acceptance.]

Darnit, Canker Sore

Ugh, I hate this. This canker sore I have right now has been lasting for two weeks. It hurts really bad. It was just two spots on the inside of my lips but now it spread to a triangle. I don't remember canker sores hurting this bad, growing this big, and lasting this long before. In the past when I was younger, I used to have them on either side of my mouth, on my tongue, and they used to just last a few days but now, I've been having them randomly on the inside of my lips and it lasts for some weeks. It makes it hard for me to eat. Having this painful canker sore makes feel like I don't want to do anything. I can't talk or move my lips or it will really hurt. Even having my lips touch makes it hurt. I looked up treatments for canker sores and there's no treatment for it. Most websites just say that it eventually goes away. I try not to think about it because if I do, the more it hurts. But then again, I can't do anything without feeling the pain. Sighs. It just sucks. Sorry, just felt like venting. It hurts really bad that I feel like crying.

Sorry Late

Sorry it's been a year since I've last posted. Life has just been crazy. I'm trying to get my life together and pick up the pieces. Again. I know. I fall so many times before I get up. It's hard. It's gonna be a long time when I finally get to where I want. It's not gonna be easy but it's my life and my journey. My time will come. Even if it takes a long time.

Ugh.

Ugh, I didn't get to tell you this, but I had to go back on facebook a few weeks ago. My sisters keep complaining that they have to add me to groups and how I don't respond to their messages and blahblahblah. So yeah, I HATE FACEBOOK. In case I didn't make that clear to you in my last post. *sigh* I deactivated from fb for certain reasons and now I "have to" reactive for them. WTF. Oh well whatever. I'm not gonna go on much anyway. I set most of my profile visible to "only me." I'll probably go back to see if I can set it on private. We'll see. Toodles!

I really don't care

It's funny when you don't go on a site for a long while, and then people start asking "Where are you? Why did you delete your account?" Ohh, so now you care about me? You didn't when I was on. In this case, I'm talking about Facebook. I deactivated it sometime shortly after my birthday a month ago. I just got really sick of it and didn't find any use for it. I mean I had it for certain reasons, but I just don't want to go on anymore--for now. It's full of egoistic people and who's better than who, supposely "funny" videos, blahblahblah. Just the same boring stuff. My sibling's all like "WHY DID YOU DEACTIVIATE IT?!" Me: "Um..because I don't feel like going on anymore." Them: "Oh..well, it doesn't really matter. You don't really go on much anyway." I'm thinking EXACTLY. So..why do you care? Hm?? Like I said, it's so FUNNY people only care when you're gone, but when you're there, they don't notice you. They don't care so I don't care either. I just don't want any drama. My siblings try to convince me to have an instagram and snapchat. I'm like "NOPE!" They're like "You're so anti-social. You like to block yourself from any social network." I'm like I don't care. I don't want to have it. I don't find any use for it. I'm NEVER going  to have instagram, snapchat, google+, or twitter. I know people say "never say never" but I actually really do mean never.  I already have facebook so of course I can't say never to that, BUT I deactivated it, and I would delete it right off the bat, but I'm not doing so for certain reasons. So deactivating from it keeps me sane.

*Reminder to Self

No matter what people say, no matter what they think, they can say, think, do, and assume whatever they want about me but what matters the most is that at the end of the day is what I think of myself. I know who I truly am, and I'm not gonna let anyone take that away from me. They don't know the real me. They only see the surface. Only I know the real me.

I Know My Body Better Than Anybody

I'm so sick of people telling me what to eat, dress, say, think, do, etc. If I am a vegetarian, I will choose what I want to eat. I'm not gonna force food down my throat just to make you feel "comfortable." I KNOW how it's like to be a meat lover because I once was. I'm not being a vegetarian because I want to lose weight or because I am insecure of my body. Can you guys seriously shut the fuck up? I'm so tired of this. It's my body and I know what food to put in it. I know how my body feels. I know that if I overeat, I end up bloating and it's hard for my body to go back to its normal size. I know you guys are worried that I might not be eating enough nutrients, but trust me, I know what I am doing. I am not doing this just because I see other people doing this. I am doing this for my own health and my personal choice. I love my body and that's why I have chosen to give it the food that it deserves in order to feel the best and alive it can. I respect other people's choices and don't try to shove my vegetarianism down their throats. Just like how it's people's choice that they choose to eat meat in part of their eating habits/diet. I don't have a vegetarian agenda to try and convert everyone else to stop eating meat. It's up to people to however they wish to eat. If they feel that eating meat fits best in their diet or meals, then so be it. I am doing what I can to stay at my healthiest and so are they. There's not "one" way to be healthy because everyone has a different body.

About dressing up, I could really care less about fashion and style. All those are just lame marketing and advertising to distract people and pressure them into thinking that girls have to be all "pretty" to be acceptable. Now, I'm not saying that people shouldn't dress up for work or it's wrong to have your own sense of style, that's all good, but seriously, stop shoving your "How to Look and Dress Attractive" or "Wear Make-Up to Look More Beautiful" whatevers into my face. I get it. Just shut the fuck up. I don't care about fashion blahblahblahs. If I don't want to wear a dress, I don't have to. I'm not here to pretty your world up and an object for you pleasure and admire over. I like being simple and dressing simple, and that is good enough for me. Don't get me wrong, I like to take care of myself, dress up, and wear make-up sometimes too. But I just do it A LOT less than others because like again,  I really don't care as much as others do. It's not something I obsess over just to feel "fit in" or whatever. I dress whatever I feel like and so be it. Just because I'm not all "fancy" with my appearance, it doesn't mean that I don't care about myself, I'm insecure, or whatever bullshit you think. I just don't invest in that kind of materialistic lifestyle. It seems like society have made a rule for girls to meet certain beauty standards or they're seen as careless, insecure, and ugly. If a girl doesn't shave her armpits, leg hair, any hair on her body other than her actual head hair, then they are seen as a gross gorilla. Seriously? Shut the fuck up. We're humans. Humans are meant to have hair on their body. Same goes as eyebrows and a lite mustache. Girls aren't supposed to be hairless and smooth skin 24/7 for you so you can shove that up your--yeah. The media has really fucked up your head if you really think that.

Anyway, sorry for the swearing. I guess this is the one of the most fueling rant blog I've written yet. Just had to get this off.

So remember, I know myself better than anyone else, just like how you know yourself better than others know you. I have a mind, heart, soul, and body of my own. Let me be me. I don't try to change you guys. I may not necessarily agree with what you guys think, say, and do, but I respect your choice. It's your life and choice. My body, my choice. As long as I'm not doing any harm to my body--ooh, like you know, smoking, doing drugs, hooka, etc. Now that I'm older, I am going to lay off of the alcohol. I'm not a drinker but I'm going to do my best to stay highly vibrational.