I intended to write this blog post last Wednesday or Thursday but because I was so upset, I couldn't find the energy to do it. I waited until it was over and until I became somewhat okay and calm. So, here I am on a Sunday night writing this. It all started on the Wednesday that just passed. I was helping Sonny sort racks from men, kids, and women on two different racks because she was pricing. When Joi announced on the PA that a doc associate needed to answer the phone, Andrew came walking by carrying something big on his shoulder and said "Do they really think I have time to answer the phone right now?" I responded "Yes you do!" Obviously I was joking. But I was not prepared for the next moment. He yelled back "Judith!? I do have time for your sass right now." I kind of laughed but it died quickly. I was obviously shocked he said that. My heart was crushed. Donna was working in Bric and said "Woww. You shut her up." Andrew said to her "I especially do not want to hear it from you." He was pointing to her. I said nothing and went back to sorting the racks. The whole day, I was very quiet and upset. Just on the verge of tears.
For lunch, I decided to eat my lunch outside. So there I was, sitting on the side of the building outside next to the emergency doors and eating my pepperoni hot pockets. I was listening to "The Lucky One" by Simple Plan on repeat on my phone. I was getting teary-eyed and having flashbacks of my past. I was shocked about what he said to me. I know it didn't seem like much, but it triggered my emotions and memories. Everything I wanted to forget and erase all came back. I was thinking of my relationship with Paul and the things he used to say to me that made me love him but in the end how messed up everything became. How I never got a good chance with love because it always turned out so wrong. I remembered how he said he liked looking into my eyes because it was pretty. How everything was just a lie. His love was just a lie. How can I be such a fool to fall in love with him or think he or anyone could ever truly love me? I was just nothing. How he pretended to be 1,000 fake people and pretended to like me, like how stupid can I be to think that would be true? Of course not. In this midst of my mental breakdown, I saw Dave, a regular customer who likes buying toys, walking in the parking lot to his car. I said out loud "Bye Dave!" He turns around and says hi and asks how I am. I said I was doing good (haha). And then, I felt a very sharp pain on my right arm. I was screaming and crying "Ouch! ouch!" I stood up and tried to wack the bee away. I saw the bee fall on the floor. It was a bee with a long tail. Dave runs over to me and I walk closer to the pillars. He says "Are you okay?" As I'm crying, I replied "I just got stung by a bee." I pushed up my right sleeve and saw a bump with a red dot on my shoulder right on my right arm muscle. I kneel down and start crying with double pain about my past and the bee sting. I actually have an excuse to cry and bee sting just triggered my tears even more. I got up and wiped my tears. Dave says "Yeah, you should put an ice pack and rubbing alcohol on it. It will make it feel better. Are you still on lunch?" I check my watch and replied "Yeah, I was and I actually have to go back because I just finished my lunch. Thank you for your help." He says "Yeah okay, bye." He walks away to his car.
I grab my lunch box and put it in my backpack. I wipe my tears and walk back into the building. With my red eyes, I rush back to the break room. I was blowing my nose and walked by to throw the tissue away in the break room but missed and it fell on the floor. Tanya was like "You missed." I picked it up and threw it in the garbage with a long face. Tanya asked "Are you okay?" I said no. I walked in to put my backpack on the circle table and said "I just got stung by a bee." Someone asked if I was allergic and I said no. There was a lot of people in the break room, including Andrew sitting on the counter in the corner by the coat rack. I knew he saw my teary red eyes but I ignored him (This is all because of you, you idiot). Somebody asked "Where is it?" I pushed my right sleeve and showed them. They were like "Oooh." Tina said to put rubbing alcohol on it. I instinctively took out my lunchbox to grab the ice pack and placed it on the sting. It felt better. Tina said "There you go. Okay, go punch in and take a few minutes to cool down." I went to the computer to punch in just in time. Tina was like "I should find you another ice pack so you don't get blood on your ice pack." I responded "It's fine. I'll wash it." She searches the freezer and hands me an ice pack. I asked "Whose is this? Can we use it?" She said "It's there for anyone to use it for medical reasons." I walk away to the bathroom. No one was in there and I was kneeling on the ground crying in pain while holding the ice pack against the sting. I was also crying because the flashbacks. I wiped my eyes and face with water. After I somewhat cooled down, I walked back to the break room to put the ice pack away in the freezer. I saw Andrew sitting in the middle of the circle table along with Regan sitting on the right side. I don't remember who was sitting on the left side. I asked if there was rubbing alcohol in the break room. Andrew reaches down under the table and finds a bottle of something. He hands it to me and says "Here, use this." Regan said it was hydrogen peroxide. I was like "What is it?" She says "It's for cuts and scars. It'll help make the pain go away." I'm like "I never heard of it before. It sounds...chemically (smile)." I chuckle." She said "It won't sting like rubbing alcohol--" "It will sting." Andrew cuts in. Regan says "Well, it'll sting but it'll work. Just put it on." I said okay. I took the bottle and walked to the bathroom. I ripped out a part of the bathroom tissue and poured some hydrogen peroxide on it and dabbed it on my sting. I see Tanya walking towards the sink. I told her how it's my first bee sting and how bad it hurts. She's like yeah it'll hurt. I said I was putting on hydrogen peroxide even though I never heard of it. She said it's like rubbing alcohol and it'll work. She kept looking at me. I was like "What?" She said "Nothing, I'm just glad it wasn't me.' My reaction was shock. "What?!" She's like "I'm allergic to bee stings. It's better than feeling the pain and looking bloated." She walks away and I'm astonished by her lack of sympathy.
I spend a few minutes reapplying the hydrogen peroxide on my sting. Tina comes in and says "I thought you fainted. You were gone for 20 minutes." (Gee, I totally did not just get a bee sting 20 minutes ago.) I said "There was no rubbing alcohol so I had to put on hydrogen peroxide." She's like "Okay well after that, head back to the line." Wow, so many people having no sympathy for pain. I walked back to the break room to put the bottle away and head back to the line. Diane and Kristen both ask if I was okay. Tina answered for me "SHE'S FINE! She's fine!" Haha woww okay, so all of a sudden, you got the bee sting now and your name is Judith? Okay. What a rude bitch. It's like she got mad that they actually cared enough to ask if I was okay and all she cared about was how long I was gone. I told them I was okay. I was sorting clothes with Diane. I later on sorted racks when Sonny was pricing (which I like to do so I can organize my mind and get away from Tina). When I finished sorting a rack, I would take it out. When I came back, I saw that Alex's stupid mat was gone. I was gonna sort the clothes when I saw Andrew walk into my area to put down two mats in place of the longer mat that used to be in the Bric department. I looked down and slowly turned back to sorting clothes. I looked sad and was gonna cry. I saw him looking at me and I didn't awe or have sparkles in my eyes. Just sadness.
Sighs. Soo...I went to sleep hyperventilating and crying. I was thinking of the past and what Andrew said that triggered my emotions and deep thoughts. I felt my head digging a deeper hole and my body becoming numb. I was hugging myself as I tried to heal my sting. I wanted to heal myself but because I was so upset and in shock of what he said, I couldn't reboot. I was very upset I couldn't. I usually could but because I needed to release my emotions and was way too numb, I had to rest that night. I was just thinking a lot. Thought after thought became worst. Well yeah..the truth is, I kinda did like him. I thought he was really nice, sweet, and such a gentleman. Every time I heard his voice, my eyes sparkled. Or when I looked into his eyes, I wanted to fall right in and stay there. I loved the way he would look at me when I pretended to not notice. All of that was gone in a split of a second he said something to me that triggered all of my past painful memories of how unluckly I was with love. At the same time, I couldn't blame him for my past memories because of his simple statement, but it changed my viewpoint of him. I can no longer look at him the same, figuratively and physically. The whole entire night I was shaking and crying. Probably slept for only three hours.
The next day, which was Thursday, I forced myself to not look at him anymore. If I did, I was probably just gonna cry. Omg, I did not expect myself to be so sad that day. My body was taking on the after effects of being numb from crying and shaking all night. Even worst, I was forced to be on the register and I had to put on a happy fake voice and smile. I would do the announcements and after talking, I would turn off the mic and kneel down and wanna break down. You don't know how many times I was getting teary-eyed and wanted to burst crying. I cracked my voice twice on the mic and was lost in thought. I got accused by Tanya of sounding "crabby" on the PA. She had no idea I was on the verge of tears. I honestly was still shaken up from the night before. Finally, I was told by Courtney that I would be taken off the registers to be put back on the line. Sadly though, Diane had to take the bullet for me on register 3. (See who's crabby now, huh,Tanya?) I wasn't completely super happy to be back on the line because obviously I was still upset but it was better than sounding fake happy on the register. At least I get to hide my sadness in the back. Of course right when I get back, Tina rudely tells me to dump the table. Alex is pricing and sounding happy as ever as I was currently having a mental breakdown and wanting to cry in a corner. I was literally quiet all day and did not laugh once at one of Alex's jokes. He was getting worried for me but I didn't wanna tell him the reason why I was upset. He tried to make me feel better. At 4:10 pm, I made my first joke. It was when Laronda (a new Line person who used to work here which I wasn't here then) said she saw a bug crawling in the clothes and I said "You would think the bug would be dead from the bad smell of the clothes." I looked at my watch and said "Omg wow, it's 4:10 and I just made my first joke today. This is has got to be a world record. How sad."
So anyway, yeah, I was pretty much very quiet and upset the whole day. A couple of times Andrew came in our area to get the wrapped up R/O and even though I heard his voice, I forced myself to not look back and keep sorting. I was standing at the farthest corner so it gave me an excuse to not "hear" or "see" him. Plus, why would I even bother to? I'm too "annoying" or "sassy" for him anyway. He doesn't have time for that, remember? I had to ask Tina if I could get some more containers because we didn't have any more for the dumper and she said yeah but not too many. I was walking towards the direction of the doc and almost bumped into Andrew. He lead the way with his hands and said "You go ahead first, if that's where you're going." I said "I have to go to the doc and get some boxes." I meant to say containers but boxes just slipped out. I walked ahead of him and sped up. I was thinking I don't even want to see or be near you right now! I heard him walking behind me and shuffling next to my right side. He says "Take all the boxes you want. We have a bunch of them." I thought Normally, I would be gushing over this, but not anymore, Prince Charming. I just keep walking and went to the doc where the containers were in the corner. I'm muttered to myself "I meant to say containers, not boxes." So I search through them to find the good ones.
Soo..yeah. There you have it. I'm getting tired and need to sleep since I work tomorrow. So yeah..Andrew, I don't like you anymore. So, no more staring at you and your eyes. No more sparkles. No more awes. No more anything. Exactly the way it's suppose to be and exactly what I was suppose to do in the first place anyway. It just made it easier. If I couldn't convince myself earlier, here is one reason that did just that for me. Operation Fade has gone to Operation Gone. I wouldn't wanna annoy you with my
