On My Own

So this week and half of last week has been pretty crazy. *sighs* I fortunately got called back to work by my boss last Wednesday telling me that I will be starting work the next day. So I was actually glad to be back to work because I was getting tired of staying home and babysitting for 3 months. It was fun while it lasted and I did enjoy the vacation but I think I needed to get my body moving again because I was seriously feeling like a blob. It pretty much took me a week and a half to really get my body back into somewhat of a shape. I was feeling like crap gaining more and more weight as the quarantine kept extending. I am blessed and lucky to be back to work because a lot of other people got laid off or quit their job because of personal reasons. I know working at Sal Army may not be as great as others expect but right now, I am feeling grateful for where I'm at because having a job to keep yourself secured is better than having nothing. So this isn't about what others think about me and I honestly don't care because my life isn't about them. It's about me and where I stand.

Another great thing happened to me. So for the first two days I was back to work last week, I did a lot of helping with doing overs and unders, putting clothes away, taking jewelry calls, putting accessories in carts, emptying gaylords by taking raw cred out onto the sorting table, processing and pushing bric, and being a door person to count the customers. I was told by Allison that the next following week (which is this week) that I will be returning to bric with Linda. I was excited because I told her that Linda is my friend and we're a good team. And then Monday came and I heard the worst news ever from my boss: that I will be working with Donna in Bric. My face instantly fell flat and I was like "Is this forever or just temporary?" She replied "It most likely will be forever." I had to tell her that I had some run-ins with her before in the past and I actually really don't like working with her. She asked if those run-ins were documented on paper and I said no, they weren't because it was privately talked about with my past managers. She just told me to stick up for myself and don't let her tell me what to do. I just said okay and I'll try. But I knew deep within myself what the true answer was: I CANNOT work with her. She is impossible. She hates me and will do anything to put me down even if I try my best to be nice to her or cater to her, she will not stop bullying and being mean to me. I was obviously very upset about this bad news. Also knowing that I experienced with these kind of cruel personalities before in the past with two other previous line supervisors, I was afraid that I was gonna sink even lower than before. I never want to be there ever again. I tried talking to Linda about it and I know she feels bad for me and she knows how Donna is like too but her answer was pretty much the same like Allison: "I don't care. You need to stick up for yourself. Don't let her talk to you like that." *sighs* This is VERY frustrating because literally NOBODY understands the position I am in and all of my pain I am feeling. Almost everyone generally knows how Donna is like and they may have had a few minor run-ins with her before but to be real honest, they have NEVER experienced the kind of bullying that I been through with Donna. The fact is, she truly is a mean and bitter person on the inside. But on the outside, she will pretend to be someone really nice so people will believe her and think that she actually is genuinely nice.

The thing about me is that I am a very kind and forgiving person. And I've been through a lot of pain before. And for some reason people think that I look weak so they will bully me because they think I'm a pushover. I admit in the past I did let people get away with it because I knew deep inside that nobody will believe me if I tell them that someone is being mean to me because they're being so nice to everyone else. So I did the worst thing ever. I bottled it all up and endured the pain. It did take a huge toll on me. I had anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns in the past while nobody noticed. But right now, I realized that even though some of my friends or boss are well-meaning and they do care at a certain extent, I had to look out for myself. Because no one truly really cared for me. Just like in the past when I was being bullied and no one ever said anything. They saw it but they ignored it and some even joined in on it so they can be safe from harm but that meant that I was the one who was getting all the harm. So there I go on Monday and Tuesday this week being very, very upset and emotional about being forced to put up with everything thrice or quadruple again. All bringing up to the final moment.

On Tuesday of this week, I was the last before the cashier and boss to go home. It was like 6:11 pm and I took my bag and walked out the door. Before I did, I said bye to Rachel and Allison but I also didn't turn around and wave which is what I usually always do. But this time, I did not have the energy to do so. And then, on Wednesday morning, Allison did a wellness checkup on me and she scanned my forehead. She said "Hi Judith. How are you doing?" I weakly said "Yes, I'm good." with a fake smile. She asked "How are you holding up? Is everything okay?" That automatically told me that she was aware of last night before I left. My very sad face. I replied "Yes." She said "You look sad. Are you sad?" I nodded yes almost in tears. She quietly whispered "Is it Donnna?" I nodded yes and asked "Can I get move to the floor?" She replied "Yeah, I will try to figure something out for you. They may need some help. You will be working in bric today but I will get back to you around 2 pm and if I'm not, come and get me." I smiled and said "Thank you so much," and walked away. I was very relieved that she had noticed my sad face and actually worried about me and asked how I was doing. She has no idea that I was gonna talk to her in private but she started the conversation before me.

So on Wednesday, I was told that I will be pricing and pushing in bric and Stan will be qualifying. Donna had to help process the line. So I was already feeling relieved and lightweight that I will be mostly working by myself without having any nuisance around. I tagged the whole day and put out 500 bric pieces and pushed carts for the last two hours or so. I felt so much better not having somebody breathing on my shoulder. When I was tagging in bric, Allison came to me and told me that she talked to Tera (the district supervisor) and they came up with the decision to put me in Shoes and Accessories. Allison said that she felt bad that she didn't come up with the thought before because Sabrina was the previous S&A person but she said that she really thinks I would flourish there. I said yes and was very excited to be leaving bric and try something new. So I was already feeling better not having a nuisance by me in bric this day but hearing the good news that I would be in a different department all by myself is even better! Allison also said that she thinks it would be great for me because I can colorize and organize my department however I like without anyone telling me what to do. So I was walking around super happy the whole day. I also kept this to myself because I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't even wanna tell Linda and Kristen because I felt like I deserved to enjoy this good news by myself first and eventually everyone will find out the next day.

So comes Thursday and Allison announced the news about some new positions and giving directives to people. Tasha became the new line supervisor and I became the new shoe girl. When Allison announced about me, Kristen looked at me surprised but happy and Donna's head instantly shot up and looked shocked at me. She always gives me dirty looks but this look she had on her face was shock, like as if I was never gonna speak up for myself and continue to put up with her shit. But I did not look at her at all. I saw Kristen's reaction but stayed focused on Allison talking. In my head I was thinking that's right, bitch, keep staring. I'm leavin' yo ass cuz you are always mean to me. Bye bitch. Have fun being in bric alone. You can't hurt me anymore. Hahaha it's only safe to say it in my head. So everyone got to their departments and Allison told me to look at the shoes and prices and she'll eventually get back to me to train me on pricing. So I started with the kid's shoes first. I looked at it and thought to myself I need to organize this but how? It took me a while to figure out how to fix the color order and shoe type since I wanted each row to have their own gender category. I kept getting brain haywire because I kept flip-flopping back and forth and couldn't decide on what I wanted. Finally, I made the last row for the baby girls, the second last row for the baby boys, the third row for the kid girls, the fourth row for the kid boys, the fifth row for the kid girls, and finally the very top row for the kid boys. I finally nailed it and made it work.

Next I walked over to the 4-way sliding table near the break room. It had random women's shoes on it. I tried my best to organize it. I put the sparkly pretty high heels on the top row and put flip flops and flats on the edges of the top row. I honestly didn't get that far into fixing it because Kristen told me that I had to go to the doc to meet Allison. So I walked away knowing it was still kind of a mess and that I will be learning pricing with Allison. I walked to the doc and she had two full carts of women's shoes. She told me about putting the tag sticker on the right shoe and always face the shoes towards you when placing them on the shelf. And then she told me to mark the price under the left shoe that doesn't have the tag. She said she will continue pricing and for me to push the women's shoe cart. So there I go walking to the women's shoe wall and being completely baffled that the shoes were not how I wanted them organized. It took me a while to kind of fix it but I didn't wanna take too long so I hurry up and put them away. I walked back to the doc to return the cart and to tell Allison that I was gonna take my first break. It was already 1 pm. So I got done with my break and asked Allison what she wanted me to do but she looked busy and didn't know what to say since she didn't get a chance to price the other shoes in the cart. So I told her that I can organize the shoes because I don't really like the way how it looks and she said that it was fine and for me to take it easy. So I happily walked to the women's shoe wall. I later found out that the reason why Allison was gone so long was because she had to go to a manger meeting.

So I worked on organizing the women's shoes which really took me the longest. Pretty much the whole day. I was having even more brain haywire trying to figure out how I wanted to organize the shoes by rows. I kept playing around with it and see how it looks and continued to be unsatisfied. The hard thing is, I wasn't just colorizing it, I was also organizing it by shoe type. So I put all the flip flops on the bottom along with the pattern flats. On the second row I put the solid flats. On the third row I put the athletic shoes along with the pattern heels. On the fourth row I put the solid high heels. On the fifth row I put the remaining leftover solid and pattern high heels along with the ankle booties. On the very top row I put the taller boots up there. I was very, very proud of myself for my hard work and how it turned out. It looked so good and cleanly organized. I know the previous S&A people just colorized the shoes without putting much thought into the shoe types but personally for me, not just because of my OCD, but I wanted shoppers to have an easy intuitive navigation when looking for shoes. Most likely when shoppers come in, they want to look for the type of shoe and then they'll look for the color. Having the shoe rack full of randomized shoes but in color order is quite confusing and messy to look at. You're more prone to have customers mess it up and get frustrated. So I created an idea to have the shoes not only in color order but also in shoe type order. Which will make it easier for shoppers to look for the type of shoes they want.

Once I finally got done with the women's shoe wall, I went to the round table which is full of sloppy women's shoes. I had to get two carts to take all the shoes out and figure out how I wanted them to be organized. There was a basket and bin full of flip flops which I took out and started putting them in color order on the top of the round table. And then I also put some sandals/sandal heels there to fit with the summer theme. Having the basket and bin full of flip flops made the table setting look unappealing. Customers will most likely look through them and mess them up. There was also purses on the table but it was all over the place with no form of organization. So I decided to line them up in a circle around the mannequin with each purse having their own shoes placed beside them with matching colors. I was once again very proud of myself for finding a creative way out of that mess. There were shelf holes in the round table. I decided to mostly try placing and colorizing high heels on the bottom row and flats on the top row.

Next I moved on to the men's shoes which was the easiest. They barely had shoes so I was able to organize them easily by color and shoe type. I put the flip flops, slippers, and pattern loafers on the bottom row. Second row I put solid loafers. Third row I put dress shoes. Fourth row I put athletic shoes. Fifth row I continued with the dress shoes. The very top row I put boots. The reason I put the athletic shoes in the middle row was because it was colorful and it stood out and most guys do like buying workout shoes anyway. Somewhere in the middle of the day I didn't want to make it look like I was lollygagging around so I went back to my station to tag a cart of shoes Allison left in the doc. And then I went back to organizing shoes.

It was 5:30 pm and I told Allison that I tagged some shoes and she said that I can start tagging and pricing them but to not mark the price on the bottom of the shoes. So I did. I went back to my station to tag and price and look at the price guide printouts. I took my best guess since I didn't have a name brand sheet. I ended up pricing 25 in 30 minutes! And then it was time for me to go home.

I am very excited about working in this new department. I am happy to be having the freedom to do what I want and do things my way without anyone complaining. I learn from this experience that I needed to look out for myself. It's great to have friends at work but that is a bonus. The real focus is to focus on work and work hard and do your best. I love my friends but the truth is that they weren't gonna stand up or speak for me. I needed to do it for myself. No one knows exactly how I'm feeling and going through. Only I know and it is very real and I needed to do something about it. I am glad that I spoke to Allison and she noticed my sadness and offered me a great position. She has no idea that she actually saved me because I couldn't be stuck in that mental-health-risk suffocation any longer. It only took two days but truly I could not stand it for a second! And no one understands! So I am very glad and proud of myself for speaking up and acting early because if I stayed a full week being miserable putting up with Donna, I might not have been given this S&A position. For all I know, it might have been given to a new hire and I would still find myself not breathing in bric! So I am very lucky too because Allison is leaving next Tuesday. She probably wouldn't be here anymore for me to talk to her about this situation.

I also learned that not only do I look out for myself but that I can't really trust anyone anymore. I know in the past I had a few friends and talked to them or vented to them but I have learned that now I am on my own in my department, I have to take care of my mental, physical, and emotional health because no one else is going to. Sure, they may be nice and care in some ways but they will never truly be my voice. I have to be my own voice and use it. I have decided to stay in my own lane and talk minimally to my co-workers. It is better that way because I have always been a lonewolf anyway. I was never a groupie so I never fitted in anyway. I am here for myself and I am here to work. And for the first time in a very long time, I finally felt powerful and in control. It makes me reflect on my life that I wish I can feel like this in every part of my life that I am struggling in but I am grateful for my lesson and experience and hope that I can work through any problem in my life if I just listen to my heart.

Selfish

I hate this word because that's the first word EVERYONE thinks of me when they look at me or talk about me. *sighs* Look, I already KNOW that I can be selfish and stubborn sometimes but is that ALL you can say about me?? I'm not like that all the time! Like yes, I struggle with communication and considering other people's feelings sometimes but you guys don't even care about the times when I truly do care! Yah, I know what you're thinking. "you're always victimizing yourself." I already have admitted to A LOT of things that I don't like about myself and that needs improving on but expecting me to do a 180 is just not fair. Everyone else gets to make mistakes and get looked passed them while I never really got a chance to even reason myself or be a fkn human being for god's sake.

I never denied all the stuff I did in the past. I know I was an immature piece of shxt back then but I have grown in ways that no one notices. But everyone just wants to focus on only all the bad parts about me.

Not Anymore

Sighs...so, I was going through quite a bit (lot) the last half of this week. Alex was on vacation so I missed him a lot and not having him around to joke with felt sad and empty. He started vacation on the weekend up to Wednesday this week. Anyway, certain people at work are sticklers and are just very annoying and frustrating to be around with. He always puts a smile or laugh on my face so it's a real gift being around him.

I intended to write this blog post last Wednesday or Thursday but because I was so upset, I couldn't find the energy to do it. I waited until it was over and until I became somewhat okay and calm. So, here I am on a Sunday night writing this. It all started on the Wednesday that just passed. I was helping Sonny sort racks from men, kids, and women on two different racks because she was pricing. When Joi announced on the PA that a doc associate needed to answer the phone, Andrew came walking by carrying something big on his shoulder and said "Do they really think I have time to answer the phone right now?" I responded "Yes you do!" Obviously I was joking. But I was not prepared for the next moment. He yelled back "Judith!? I do have time for your sass right now." I kind of laughed but it died quickly. I was obviously shocked he said that. My heart was crushed. Donna was working in Bric and said "Woww. You shut her up." Andrew said to her "I especially do not want to hear it from you." He was pointing to her. I said nothing and went back to sorting the racks. The whole day, I was very quiet and upset. Just on the verge of tears.

For lunch, I decided to eat my lunch outside. So there I was, sitting on the side of the building outside next to the emergency doors and eating my pepperoni hot pockets. I was listening to "The Lucky One" by Simple Plan on repeat on my phone. I was getting teary-eyed and having flashbacks of my past. I was shocked about what he said to me. I know it didn't seem like much, but it triggered my emotions and memories. Everything I wanted to forget and erase all came back. I was thinking of my relationship with Paul and the things he used to say to me that made me love him but in the end how messed up everything became. How I never got a good chance with love because it always turned out so wrong. I remembered how he said he liked looking into my eyes because it was pretty. How everything was just a lie. His love was just a lie. How can I be such a fool to fall in love with him or think he or anyone could ever truly love me? I was just nothing. How he pretended to be 1,000 fake people and pretended to like me, like how stupid can I be to think that would be true? Of course not. In this midst of my mental breakdown, I saw Dave, a regular customer who likes buying toys, walking in the parking lot to his car. I said out loud "Bye Dave!" He turns around and says hi and asks how I am. I said I was doing good (haha). And then, I felt a very sharp pain on my right arm. I was screaming and crying "Ouch! ouch!" I stood up and tried to wack the bee away. I saw the bee fall on the floor. It was a bee with a long tail. Dave runs over to me and I walk closer to the pillars. He says "Are you okay?" As I'm crying, I replied "I just got stung by a bee." I pushed up my right sleeve and saw a bump with a red dot on my shoulder right on my right arm muscle. I kneel down and start crying with double pain about my past and the bee sting. I actually have an excuse to cry and bee sting just triggered my tears even more. I got up and wiped my tears. Dave says "Yeah, you should put an ice pack and rubbing alcohol on it. It will make it feel better. Are you still on lunch?" I check my watch and replied "Yeah, I was and I actually have to go back because I just finished my lunch. Thank you for your help." He says "Yeah okay, bye." He walks away to his car.

I grab my lunch box and put it in my backpack. I wipe my tears and walk back into the building. With my red eyes, I rush back to the break room. I was blowing my nose and walked by to throw the tissue away in the break room but missed and it fell on the floor. Tanya was like "You missed." I picked it up and threw it in the garbage with a long face. Tanya asked "Are you okay?" I said no. I walked in to put my backpack on the circle table and said "I just got stung by a bee." Someone asked if I was allergic and I said no. There was a lot of people in the break room, including Andrew sitting on the counter in the corner by the coat rack. I knew he saw my teary red eyes but I ignored him (This is all because of you, you idiot). Somebody asked "Where is it?" I pushed my right sleeve and showed them. They were like "Oooh." Tina said to put rubbing alcohol on it. I instinctively took out my lunchbox to grab the ice pack and placed it on the sting. It felt better. Tina said "There you go. Okay, go punch in and take a few minutes to cool down." I went to the computer to punch in just in time. Tina was like "I should find you another ice pack so you don't get blood on your ice pack." I responded "It's fine. I'll wash it." She searches the freezer and hands me an ice pack. I asked "Whose is this? Can we use it?" She said "It's there for anyone to use it for medical reasons." I walk away to the bathroom. No one was in there and I was kneeling on the ground crying in pain while holding the ice pack against the sting. I was also crying because the flashbacks. I wiped my eyes and face with water. After I somewhat cooled down, I walked back to the break room to put the ice pack away in the freezer. I saw Andrew sitting in the middle of the circle table along with Regan sitting on the right side. I don't remember who was sitting on the left side. I asked if there was rubbing alcohol in the break room. Andrew reaches down under the table and finds a bottle of something. He hands it to me and says "Here, use this." Regan said it was hydrogen peroxide. I was like "What is it?" She says "It's for cuts and scars. It'll help make the pain go away." I'm like "I never heard of it before. It sounds...chemically (smile)." I chuckle." She said "It won't sting like rubbing alcohol--" "It will sting." Andrew cuts in. Regan says "Well, it'll sting but it'll work. Just put it on." I said okay. I took the bottle and walked to the bathroom. I ripped out a part of the bathroom tissue and poured some hydrogen peroxide on it and dabbed it on my sting. I see Tanya walking towards the sink. I told her how it's my first bee sting and how bad it hurts. She's like yeah it'll hurt. I said I was putting on hydrogen peroxide even though I never heard of it. She said it's like rubbing alcohol and it'll work. She kept looking at me. I was like "What?" She said "Nothing, I'm just glad it wasn't me.' My reaction was shock. "What?!" She's like "I'm allergic to bee stings. It's better than feeling the pain and looking bloated." She walks away and I'm astonished by her lack of sympathy.

I spend a few minutes reapplying the hydrogen peroxide on my sting. Tina comes in and says "I thought you fainted. You were gone for 20 minutes." (Gee, I totally did not just get a bee sting 20 minutes ago.)  I said "There was no rubbing alcohol so I had to put on hydrogen peroxide." She's like "Okay well after that, head back to the line." Wow, so many people having no sympathy for pain. I walked back to the break room to put the bottle away and head back to the line. Diane and Kristen both ask if I was okay. Tina answered for me "SHE'S FINE! She's fine!" Haha woww okay, so all of a sudden, you got the bee sting now and your name is Judith? Okay. What a rude bitch. It's like she got mad that they actually cared enough to ask if I was okay and all she cared about was how long I was gone. I told them I was okay. I was sorting clothes with Diane. I later on sorted racks when Sonny was pricing (which I like to do so I can organize my mind and get away from Tina). When I finished sorting a rack, I would take it out. When I came back, I saw that Alex's stupid mat was gone. I was gonna sort the clothes when I saw Andrew walk into my area to put down two mats in place of the longer mat that used to be in the Bric department. I looked down and slowly turned back to sorting clothes. I looked sad and was gonna cry. I saw him looking at me and I didn't awe or have sparkles in my eyes. Just sadness.

Sighs. Soo...I went to sleep hyperventilating and crying. I was thinking of the past and what Andrew said that triggered my emotions and deep thoughts. I felt my head digging a deeper hole and my body becoming numb. I was hugging myself as I tried to heal my sting. I wanted to heal myself but because I was so upset and in shock of what he said, I couldn't reboot. I was very upset I couldn't. I usually could but because I needed to release my emotions and was way too numb, I had to rest that night. I was just thinking a lot. Thought after thought became worst. Well yeah..the truth is, I kinda did like him. I thought he was really nice, sweet, and such a gentleman. Every time I heard his voice, my eyes sparkled. Or when I looked into his eyes, I wanted to fall right in and stay there. I loved the way he would look at me when I pretended to not notice. All of that was gone in a split of a second he said something to me that triggered all of my past painful memories of how unluckly I was with love. At the same time, I couldn't blame him for my past memories because of his simple statement, but it changed my viewpoint of him. I can no longer look at him the same, figuratively and physically. The whole entire night I was shaking and crying. Probably slept for only three hours.

The next day, which was Thursday, I forced myself to not look at him anymore. If I did, I was probably just gonna cry. Omg, I did not expect myself to be so sad that day. My body was taking on the after effects of being numb from crying and shaking all night. Even worst, I was forced to be on the register and I had to put on a happy fake voice and smile. I would do the announcements and after talking, I would turn off the mic and kneel down and wanna break down. You don't know how many times I was getting teary-eyed and wanted to burst crying. I cracked my voice twice on the mic and was lost in thought. I got accused by Tanya of sounding "crabby" on the PA. She had no idea I was on the verge of tears. I honestly was still shaken up from the night before. Finally, I was told by Courtney that I would be taken off the registers to be put back on the line. Sadly though, Diane had to take the bullet for me on register 3. (See who's crabby now, huh,Tanya?) I wasn't completely super happy to be back on the line because obviously I was still upset but it was better than sounding fake happy on the register. At least I get to hide my sadness in the back. Of course right when I get back, Tina rudely tells me to dump the table. Alex is pricing and sounding happy as ever as I was currently having a mental breakdown and wanting to cry in a corner. I was literally quiet all day and did not laugh once at one of Alex's jokes. He was getting worried for me but I didn't wanna tell him the reason why I was upset. He tried to make me feel better. At 4:10 pm, I made my first joke. It was when Laronda (a new Line person who used to work here which I wasn't here then) said she saw a bug crawling in the clothes and I said "You would think the bug would be dead from the bad smell of the clothes." I looked at my watch and said "Omg wow, it's 4:10 and I just made my first joke today. This is has got to be a world record. How sad."

So anyway, yeah, I was pretty much very quiet and upset the whole day. A couple of times Andrew came in our area to get the wrapped up R/O and even though I heard his voice, I forced myself to not look back and keep sorting. I was standing at the farthest corner so it gave me an excuse to not "hear" or "see" him. Plus, why would I even bother to? I'm too "annoying" or "sassy" for him anyway. He doesn't have time for that, remember? I had to ask Tina if I could get some more containers because we didn't have any more for the dumper and she said yeah but not too many. I was walking towards the direction of the doc and almost bumped into Andrew. He lead the way with his hands and said "You go ahead first, if that's where you're going." I said "I have to go to the doc and get some boxes." I meant to say containers but boxes just slipped out. I walked ahead of him and sped up. I was thinking I don't even want to see or be near you right now! I heard him walking behind me and shuffling next to my right side. He says "Take all the boxes you want. We have a bunch of them." I thought Normally, I would be gushing over this, but not anymore, Prince Charming. I just keep walking and went to the doc where the containers were in the corner. I'm muttered to myself "I meant to say containers, not boxes." So I search through them to find the good ones.

Soo..yeah. There you have it. I'm getting tired and need to sleep since I work tomorrow. So yeah..Andrew, I don't like you anymore. So, no more staring at you and your eyes. No more sparkles. No more awes. No more anything. Exactly the way it's suppose to be and exactly what I was suppose to do in the first place anyway. It just made it easier. If I couldn't convince myself earlier, here is one reason that did just that for me. Operation Fade has gone to Operation Gone. I wouldn't wanna annoy you with my "sass" anyway. My heart doesn't beat for you anymore. Now you can see me as a ghost that passes by.

To The Boy I Can't Fall In Love With

You know who you are. I know I can't have you. And if seeing you in my dreams is all that I have of you, I am okay with that. I don't know if this is called love but I admire and adore the person you are. I remember the first time we made eye contact with each other and ever since then, it never stopped. It still feels like the first time. I can't tell you how I really feel but here is what I have to say. I like your eyes. I like your smile. I like your laugh. I like the way how you carry yourself. I like the way you walk smoothly into a room. I like how much of a gentleman you are, willing to help anyone. Hearing you laugh makes my heart melt because I don't hear it often. Hearing your voice makes my eyes sparkle. I know I'm not suppose to say this but I like (love) the way you look at me when I pretend to not notice. I know I'm not suppose to [like] it, but I do. I know I'm not suppose to hope because I know it will only hurt me in the end, but I can't help admiring you from a distance. I know I am a nobody compared to you. Who I am to even exist in your presence?

I like it when you smile and when you look at me. I think it's so sweet how kindly you treat me. I may look nonchalant on the outside, but my insides are full of awe. I know we aren't meant to be and that you have someone to love and them to love you back. I don't know how to describe this strange feeling because it feels different from love. But I am happy that you have found your someone to be happy with. I'm not hurt. I know I am not ready. I try my best to not cross lines and respect your space. I never want to ruin a love story. Everyone deserves someone they are meant to be with in thee end. I'm awed when you talk about her. I just think it's so sweet, cute, and lovely. I think you look like prince charming and you found your princess.

I have no idea why you keep looking at me. I hope you don't notice my (sort of) unintentional pretend act. I can read body language easily. I am good at pretending to not notice and make it look real. I know your stares are burning holes through me. I have to act like I don't notice but my insides are screaming. Sometimes my heart skips a beat or I quickly turn away, which makes it more obvious than I wanted it to. I know that you will never know how I feel or hear the words that will never climb up. But I just wanted to let you know that I think you're the perfect guy. I want to look into your eyes and fall deep into them. I want you to hold me like a fairy tale. I want you to touch my face and caress my cheeks. I want you to catch me if I faint or hold me like bridal style. BUT...this is all a dream and that's all it will ever be. That's all you'll ever be to me. Just a dream, literally. It's not reality and that's what I have to face.

This is why I can't stare at your face or eyes too long. Or rather, I avoid your eyes, afraid I won't stop falling into them. The longer I stare, the more I want to keep my eyes there. This is why I quickly turn away or look to the side when I talk to you. Because I can barely stare into your eyes, I can't quite clearly see the color of your eyes but I believe they are green. I first mistaken them to be blue but I tried to focus a little bit more than 1 second and I think they are green. For all I know, you might have hazel eyes. But once again, I'm trying my best to not look into them.

No, I don't want to fall in love. Once again, I don't know what to call this thing. I guess the closest thing you can call it is a crush, but it's different. We know we can't be together but we can't stop staring at each other. It's not really a crush and it's not really love. It's not friendship either. It's just a intense attraction. An odd but alluring one. I guess that's all it'll ever be. It'll remain a mystery as long as it lasts. In thee end, it won't be my eyes you'll be staring into. I do have to say though, that the way you stare at me is not one bit creepy. Nonetheless, it's the curious and sweet kind, and I honestly think it's so cute. I know the difference between a creepy stare and a curious stare and yours is definitely just so sweet. It makes me giddy inside. And I can't help but smile to myself when you're not there (when you leave/walk away). I know I keep repeating myself, but I can't help it. I love the way you stare at me and talk to me. You're just so kind and sweet. I'm all in awe. But I know the truth. I have to turn my face and walk away because it's all just a dream. But I do hope that life is treating you well and you get everything you ever hoped for. You definitely deserve the best. To the boy I can't fall in love with, you are one in a million. Please stay true to who you are. 



[considering the fact that I went from "Teardrops On My Guitar" to "Stay Beautiful" says a lot of my acceptance.]

Darnit, Canker Sore

Ugh, I hate this. This canker sore I have right now has been lasting for two weeks. It hurts really bad. It was just two spots on the inside of my lips but now it spread to a triangle. I don't remember canker sores hurting this bad, growing this big, and lasting this long before. In the past when I was younger, I used to have them on either side of my mouth, on my tongue, and they used to just last a few days but now, I've been having them randomly on the inside of my lips and it lasts for some weeks. It makes it hard for me to eat. Having this painful canker sore makes feel like I don't want to do anything. I can't talk or move my lips or it will really hurt. Even having my lips touch makes it hurt. I looked up treatments for canker sores and there's no treatment for it. Most websites just say that it eventually goes away. I try not to think about it because if I do, the more it hurts. But then again, I can't do anything without feeling the pain. Sighs. It just sucks. Sorry, just felt like venting. It hurts really bad that I feel like crying.

Sorry Late

Sorry it's been a year since I've last posted. Life has just been crazy. I'm trying to get my life together and pick up the pieces. Again. I know. I fall so many times before I get up. It's hard. It's gonna be a long time when I finally get to where I want. It's not gonna be easy but it's my life and my journey. My time will come. Even if it takes a long time.

Ugh.

Ugh, I didn't get to tell you this, but I had to go back on facebook a few weeks ago. My sisters keep complaining that they have to add me to groups and how I don't respond to their messages and blahblahblah. So yeah, I HATE FACEBOOK. In case I didn't make that clear to you in my last post. *sigh* I deactivated from fb for certain reasons and now I "have to" reactive for them. WTF. Oh well whatever. I'm not gonna go on much anyway. I set most of my profile visible to "only me." I'll probably go back to see if I can set it on private. We'll see. Toodles!